The pain came back after Vanta left me. I rejected the idea that it had something to do with her. Nevertheless, I didn’t feel like going out and my sexual appetite was nonexistent. Instead, I was drinking heavily and tried to fight my pain this way. But it didn’t work. The memories and the related pain became worse. I didn’t know how to continue my life and couldn’t find a reason why I should go on.
One night, I was so depressed that I couldn’t take it anymore. I sat on my balcony watching the advertisements of the night clubs and got drunk. I listened to the sound of the advertisement that reminded me so strongly of crickets. The more I thought about my life, the more I realized that I had to end it. I saw it clearly in front of my eyes, how I jumped down – just a drunken guy falling from the balcony of his hotel room. I had to end it this way. I climbed on the table, where my bottle of whiskey and my ash tray were standing.
I enjoyed my last look on Pattaya and got ready to jump. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The sound of the crickets got more intensive and suddenly green appeared in front of eyes. Even though I had my eyes closed shut, I could see a jungle with many trees that came out of the ground. The sound of the crickets became the sound of the jungle and I thought that this might be the beginning for my transition into another world. I made one strong step forward to create enough energy to jump from the balcony and I jumped with all the strength in my body. A loud noise occurred. I fell, landed and got unconscious.