I made only a few picture of her, before I filmed her sucking my dick. I could film her face and how she sucked with her mouth. I came quickly and realised immediately that I still was not strong enough for real sex. I came so quickly, that it was a pity.
But worse was that I was overwhelmed by a strong tiredness. I went to the hotel, but already on the way back I realized that this tiredness increased my depressions. My depressions followed me everywhere and whenever I got weak, they took control of me. They were here to punish me. To punish me for what happened or to punish me for having lived too long. I felt it was time.
I have lived my life. I had enough and it was time to realize that I had to leave this planet. The earlier the better. I lost my right to be on this planet and actually that was not a punishment at all. It was a gift to leave. To leave this fucking world. Bombarded by those thoughts, I let my body asleep. I prayed to God that I would die that night. I had no idea what should be the reason.
I simply asked him to let me die. Let my heart stand still- my fat heart. I knew I was too fat anyway. Can’t this be the reason? Just let my fat heart stop beating and everything is over – once and for all. But God hated me. Not even this fucking wish could be fulfilled by him. Same like all the fucking wishes I made last year. God stopped listening to me.