Arriving in Pattaya, I went out and tried to enjoy myself. I tried to delete my memories about what happened, but they were too strong. Even worse was the pain in my head. I hoped it would go away, but it remained. I feared it was a tumor. I tried to think about something else and therefore I was looking for a diversion, something that makes me stop thinking about my wife, or better ex-wife and my old job.
First, I tried normal bars, but they didn’t help me. They didn’t give me any reason to think about anything else than about the past. The alcohol I consumed here, made it even worse. Together with my memories, it brought me closer to the point where I questioned my life. I was asking myself, why I should I go on with my life at all. Sometimes, I thought about suicide. There was nothing that made me feel better or differently.
These bars made me more depressed instead. I enjoyed watching the neon lights of the surrounding night clubs, going on and off from my balcony. I enjoyed looking at people walk down the road, enjoying themselves. However, I also thought about letting myself go and just fall off the same balcony where I got drunk. It wouldn’t be a big issue, I guess. At least my thoughts would stop and I would be free. Free from the ghosts of my past. But I didn’t. because it didn’t matter anyway. I could do it another day. So nights passed by and I got drunk on my balcony or at a bar.